Decorating is From Hell
Part 1
Every year, I think I know what to expect.
Last year, I even timed the whole ordeal (three hours), including the purchase and transportation of the tree.
This year, I thought I was being clever. We’ll buy the Christmas tree on Friday, and decorate Saturday. Still planning on three hours, but what if it’s less?
“What if it’s less?” is the question of a fool, a dummy, a moron. Thinking it could be less time is the most idiotic things my brain has ever tricked me into.
We shall head down the hill to Ye Ole Christmas Tree Lot (Ace Hardware), where we carefully smell each tree, feel each branch, measure height and width. The tree salesman will gently secure the beloved tree to the top of our car, strapping it in firmly, and send us on our merry way (maybe singing as he works?). The magic of Christmas is upon us!
After finding the tree lot locked up and unattended, we throw on our masks and head inside. Everyone who works there is either being bombarded by decoration purchases at the registers, or hiding. I spotted a woman in an Ace apron in the garden center, and make a beeline. “Excuse me?” She was very disappointed when she heard my pleading voice.
“Yes?” she replies out of obligation (I’m sure she tried and failed to will herself into invisibility).
“We wanted to look at Christmas trees, but the lot is locked up. Can someone help us?”
Rolling her eyes, she hit the walkie talkie with “Can I get someone to open up the tree lot?” then almost immediately went back to her “work” (stacking and unstacking planters). I’m completely on her side- she’s getting paid nothing to survive in this hellscape economy, she’s fine to hide. I just want to be done with this part as quickly as possible. We would both rather be home.
We go back outside, where another slightly less grumpy worker unlocks the tree gates, and sets us free inside. The sign with the pricing is roughly the same as it was last year (bless), so I know we’ll be spending the same $75 we usually do on this.
Side note- Landon and I would die a thousand deaths to get a fake tree, but Vivian has decided we must have a real one. The second she’s either out of the house or changes her mind- Balsam Hills, I’m coming for you.
We are asked “which tree,” a funny question considering all the trees are wrapped up like corpses, stacked on top of one another. We tell him which kind (noble, 6-7 feet), he grabs the top one, it works, we pay. He then hands a spool of twine and scissors to Landon, who is now in charge of strapping the tree to my car. He does his best, then as I drive off, I’m stopped by the employees. We were driving away with the twine and scissors on top of my car. So close.
The tree makes it up the hill, we cut it down. Vivian, annoyed by her participation in the whole ordeal, immediately goes into her room. We attach the stand, clear a path on our patio, and walk the tree inside.
It fits!
We live with the bare tree for the evening. Vivian goes to her sleepover at her best friend’s house (everyone did their little rapid test). Landon and I enjoy a quiet night (we ordered ramen and watched Lost Highway).
Tomorrow is going to be so easy, I think to myself, pleased with my planning.
Stay tuned for Part 2…
